Jurassic Shark (2012)

Brett Kelly Entertainment.  Director: Brett Kelly.

Creature Feature Bleachers Award:  Shortest.

“Jurassic Shark” is quite simply what sharksploitation is all about.  Laughable acting, laughable special effects, laughable plot holes— it doesn’t get much better than this!  If you’ve been beaten down by weeks of boring, overly-serious films that don’t properly know how to ksploit a shark, “Jurassic Shark” is the answer to your problems.  This half-brained creation also offers renewed hope that the number of sharksploitation films will steadily increase in the coming years as CGI effects fall within the price range of even the poorest of aspiring filmmakers.  The line separating homemade videos and actual releases grows thinner all the time.  One can only hope that future sharksploitation films will be as “good” as this one!

A major oil company has been illegally drilling on an abandoned island (somewhere in Ontario).  Master art thief Barb (Angela Parent) leads her gang of bad guys through the area on the way to fence an expensive painting.  When a giant shark attacks their boat, however, the painting drops to the bottom of the lake and some bad guys get eaten.  Shortly thereafter, an aspiring journalist named Jill (Emanuelle Carriere) leads an expedition of beach-loving friends out to the island to investigate the illegal drilling.  When the two groups meet up, they walk across the island to the oil drilling facility in search of a boat or radio.  Finding no help there, Barb becomes desperate, and the kids learn that not all sharks are in the water!

Well, except for the giant shark.  That one’s definitely in the water.

The DVD Cover

“Jurassic Shark” comes to us from Canadian director Brett Kelly, who somehow manages to make The Asylum look like a major Hollywood studio.  Though crisply shot and visually appealing, the film isn’t much better than one I could make given the same budget and equipment (which I’m guessing was about 50 bucks and a rowboat.  And probably some back bacon).  Still, Kelly gets points for having a good number of beach-age friends, unlike the makers of “Sand Sharks“.  Plus his next movie, “My Fair Zombie,” looks awesome (if gross):

You know from the very beginning that “Jurassic Shark” will prove to be a pinnacle of human cultural achievement.

English isn't a first language in Canada.

Remember, English isn’t a first language in Canada.

In all honesty, the film has too many continuity problems to pick it apart piece by piece, so I’ll just focus on the biggest ones.  For instance, the very first title shot in the film states that megalodon “lived roughly from 28 to 1.5 million years ago,” yet in the film Dr. Lincoln Grant (Jurgen Vollrath) laments that he’s unleashed a “predator we haven’t seen in 200 million years.”  Normally something like this would be edited out, but considering the fact that the movie was filmed in Mr. Vollrath’s garage, I guess they let him say whatever he darn well liked.

Just in case

Just in case you thought I was kidding.

There’s also the fact that the painting sinks on the opposite end of the island from the oil facility.  Jill states that it’s an arduous 5 hour trek to the facility, and a lengthy walking scene confirms this.  Yet once they reach the facility, the painting is suddenly located right there off the shore!  No need to walk all the way back or even explain how the painting moved!  It’s movie magic!

My favorite part of “Jurassic Shark” is its length.  Even at its full 75 minutes, “Jurassic Shark” would be one of the shorter films I’ve seen, yet it’s obviously even shorter than it first appears.  The same shots of the shark are repeated shamelessly, the “splashing” and “walking” scenes go on much longer than necessary, and some scenes are repeated in slow motion.  On top of that, a full fifth of the film (15 minutes) is made up of credits.  Since some people performed more than one duty in this film, you may be wondering how the credits can take up so much time.  Simple: they roll three times— at the beginning of the film, at the end of the film (with pictures of the actors), and again at the end of the film (suuuuuuuuperrrrr-slowwwwwwwwwwwwlyyyyyyyyyy).

Jurassic-Sara1Jurassic-Sara2

Seriously.

Again, just in case you thought I was kidding.

I also love the fact that a Canadian beer company sponsored the film.  Not only does that explain Dr. Lincoln Grant’s out of place beer t-shirt, it also offers some insight into the writing process.

Walking into shark-infested waters with a gun pointed at your back?  Wouldn't this be a great time for a Hogsback brew?

“Walking into shark-infested waters with a gun pointed at your back? Wouldn’t this be a great time for a cold, refreshing Hogsback beer?”

Well, this trailer just about says it all:

“Jurassic Shark” is available on British Amazon.  At the time of this review, you could also purchase the actual dynamite and oar used in the film: www.brettkelly.net/propsale.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s